I wish this scar would just go away
I don’t like to hate
but I’ll admit I distaste looking at it every day… it was all my own mistake…
how can you accidentally set fire to your place
after practicing 2 weeks straight of “Set Fire to the Rain”
What is the irony of that?
With the burns and what we’re called to face every day
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I suppose, anyway..
when distractions consume you that’s all that it takes…
5 minutes will kill you if you’re not awake
I just wanted to take a hot bath, in a warm bathroom, then watch Smash…
See Katharine Mcphee kick ass….
but my stupid space heater kinda ruined all of that.
Not to mention the best part of it all was I definitely had on a face mask.(like a scene from a movie…least the firemen were cute -(according to my neighbor… I was busy being totally mortified and crying, lol- just to make light… thank you Fire Station 82!!!)
That entire week I was meeting very important people who looked at me like I had a disease… Then they’d look at my chest and reacted like “AHH Stay away from me!”
Just FYI— to those people… Burns are not contagious ;)
Well, It’s all very poetic… in a nightmarish sort of way… a good story to tell but…
Unfortunately its true.. in case you wondered bout the bandaids… It’s actually not a fashion statement that Soyon would approve ;)
I’m very lucky that I didn’t burn my face, or my hair, or lose my place or my faith… though there was a moment after months of restoration I almost gave up…threw it all down, knees to the floor, knowing I just couldn’t give up, but was so exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally-all I could do was pray for a way to make things work again. Desperately pleading, for some kind of miracle to keep my heart beating… to keep my art alive through the midst of the trails… and Low and Behold… God presented some miracles that have arrived.
Now all of a sudden wonderful things are happening and I’m happier than I’ve been in my life. I have an awesome job, and I get to see my “idol family” back to where I began, and get a whole new perspective on everything. I See how I could have done better had I not been so distracted and out of place, lost in my minds space, parents battling every day, calling regarding divorcing in the middle of my life’s biggest days. I wish then I could have listened to my self and the guidance I had received but most importantly follow that gut that God gave us in the first place- and I suppose everything happens for a reason at its own pace.
It’s all about learning.. and the journey, If it’s real, and you’re honestly here because your heart and your soul just will not let you go…. or your ego’s been kicked in the ass and tested too many times that you realize it’s not even an option to give up…
What you’re really capable of being is a vulnerable human being without all that bullshit swirling in your head… That’s what I respect and if you give it out-you will get that same thing back.
Tape it up and just do it… Just like Madonna said. Have no fear because you won’t crumble no matter what unravels your day… It’s all about the lessons, and what we take with us…we must utilize them in every way…. let the circumstances teach us to see the positive in every move that we make.
Shine your Light. Make It Work, and It’ll all be alright.
Love you Guys… and I’ll see you soon!
Thank you for getting me to 25K on Twitter today and giving me reason to celebrate wonderful fans who keep supporting me every day. You all inspire me. :)
I don’t care that I’m scared…scared means that I care… and scared is nothing but hiding behind fearlessness that’s almost right there. It’s time to take a stand— God in 2012 lets see your hands.
I face the joys, wickedness, and politics of LA nonsense every day, yes- it has it’s beaches, and nice weather, but it also has it’s flares, and fires, and crazy lies trying to keep you from doing your thang all the time. Some can come unprepared….I was unprepared… and every day is a lesson. I’m learning… even now when I’m flying by the seat of my pants!
I was a child with a dream, who didn’t see what lay ahead of me… who didn’t even realize what the F$%^ just happend. I ran away from Nashville because I couldn’t handle the thought of going back there without my best friend who passed away. I saw her bed the way she left it… and that was it. I never saw her again. One of the only people I had ever trusted. Ever. So I just ran again…
I worked since I was 14 to be able to pay for College… and when I left I just took the rest of my savings and packed my little Green Honda Civic to head out to LA. Follow the dream my best friend didn’t get the chance to take. I knew I had the opportunity somehow.. that God was on my side… In Oklahoma I even passed the big green “Home of Carrie Underwood” sign….
I’ve learned through the LA darkness it can eat you alive. It can swallow you whole and spit out bones of those who cry. I’ve been there… I’ve grinded… I’ve definitely shed my shitload of tears, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t learned anything over the years.
It’s all made me stronger, harder, and even more of a fighter and want it now more than ever…
The opportunities can make you want to dance till you can’t feel your feet… but when everything seems to finally be going right and you may have even found an added treat, you find those you finally trusted and they take advantage of a sweet moment you thought was yours to keep… only to find someone else’s lacey underwear on the same couch- on your very seat… and they most certainly didn’t belong to me…
"Playing with Fire" was a song that I sang because not only are the Rolling Stones sick as hell but I meant every word of every lyric and every phrase. And that would be my message to the f@#! that took advantage of me in a despicable way. I have come to a place where I remind myself to forgive him for his actions and for the way he portrayed the most villainous character and can only it wish was from a story, that was made up that horrifying day. It made me feel shameful, and guilty, like it was my fault—drugged out and like shit for several days, then for weeks, which turned into months…in actions and in reminders that showed up- one after the other.
The thought of him just made cringe, they made me want to runaway… and it just wouldn’t leave my head.
I wrote about it, it would keep me up at night sometimes till after 6am- I’d have a book of poems and lyrics half-finished— started the night before, those memories in which I abhorred but couldn’t relinquish. I felt exposed and cried while I wrote..
I would be there for the moment and write it, but then again so distinctly despised the memory. The compilation of the thoughts that a part of me couldn’t finish because a part of me didn’t want to…finish…remember and write about what I couldn’t escape. I shriveled at the thought that it actually happened in real life, like a fire and you don’t have an extinguisher. That maybe somehow it was my fault or that maybe it was me… it wasn’t… some people are just cruel and heartless. I wish I could change them. But as we know… people can only change themselves.
As I spiraled, I was scared to say a peep because I was afraid that one day I would get stuffed into a car if I told anyone, and thrown off a bridge in a black hefty bag because It was someone I worked for so it would cost me my job and maybe my life if I left and said a word. So I had to go on and pretend like nothing was wrong when I was screaming inside. Trying to find someone or something to help. I was too scared then, and I still have my tendencies that can sometimes prevent me from believing that some of these people are actually trustworthy. I’m not jaded, just aware of the truth. This is what any city can do to you.
Through boxing, dancing, playing guitar, and singing I’ve found a new side of me. So now…. if you come find me… I’ll show you hell. I’ll put my sharpest heels on and show you my kickboxing skills… make sure to hit you where it hurts and then tell everyone what you did.
I’ve been in this city far too long to give up.. and I will not leave until you feel the heart of an artist who knows. What it’s like to be human, cause I know I’m not the only one. There’s a lot more to this story, but I felt the need to write this to you last night. I want us all to learn how to be strong and learn from our past- because I am still putting up a fight.
We are all just beings trying to listen and communicate. To be real and relate to feel alive like someone understands our expression and feels themselves in us instead of trying to compensate for themselves or their insecurities or selfishness or their IMPRESSION they leave.
To feel that someone else might relate to our pain… it’s inspiring. To know you’re not the only one, you are one of many and we are all just a different case of the same bottom line. We make and sometimes repeat the same mistakes In different ways. Most of us don’t have it easy and that builds character whether it’s life we have to face or your best friend whose been taking advantage of your generous, loving ways, you have to be honest and stick up for yourselves. Call them out. That’s a real relationship.
There is JOY too!! It’s seems like every moment can either kill you or somehow build a thicker, thicker wall… that just gets thicker and heavier until you can’t see anything at all. Not even your self.
I want to tear that shit down, and I want you to do it too. Make room for your soul mate and make room for you. Find your true self the desire and passion in your soul. I want to inspire you to see that you can be strong and do what you were put here to do.
You have to try to find your peace in your own silence and your JOY. You are the only person that will ever make yourself feel anyway in the long run.
I can’t wait for you to hear these new songs because they are a side of me you’ve never heard before. The Real Didi…the one that was missing for so long. I was a jigsaw puzzle trying to sort it all out… all of me was scattered all over the table and I think we all go through that… now I’ve made a map with the pieces put together…
You don’t know me yet, and I can’t wait to meet you- but until we do- I hope you connect to these tunes that are coming up in the next few weeks. I hope that someday I can show you what I want—to share with you that you are not alone. We are all ordinary people with gifts- you and I are not the only ones who have been abused in some way by this world, the words, or the events that occurred. There is light at the end of the tunnel and sometimes it comes in waves, and when it’s hardest to believe that you deserve to be where you are… Life can change! But you have to live with and refuse to be scarred.
Life can be tormenting and heart-wrenching, and you can literally feel your heart ache… like the squeezing of the most tender piece of your soul and dropping it into a dumpster thrown away in a cold gray canister..I know the feeling. But every moment holds it’s own, and reminds us that we are alive, and human, and capable of healing and helping. We’re not always the brightest, speckled, shiniest beings; we are ourselves, injured, but stronger, more authentic, honest, and real. I want to feel your heart and feel safe, I don’t want to pull away or feel you do the same but be strong enough to sit and acknowledge what you’ve done and that you are this way. You may never change, and I’m not asking you to, I’m just letting you know that you can if you choose. Otherwise we must let it stray far far away from where it could ever hurt us again.
You can love me, or hate me… and it won’t hurt a bit. I’m just being honest- I’d rather keep it positive. There’s too much negative bullshit in this world and people pretend to be so unaware, I’m sick of it and the artificialness.
TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED, AND WHEN YOU FUCK UP… because we all do… then say you’re sorry and MEAN IT… the other side knows when you’re being real cause they feel it.
I’m sick of the way that that I’ve been treated, it hurts my heart, it hurts my soul, it wrecks my mind and some of you are the wrecking ball. So get ready to experience a whole new Didi. I’ve held it in too long and it’s just beating me, repeatedly, so I thought I would blog it, so here you are… getting a piece of me… And I hope in reading this… you find a part of you that you can work through and work on every day to be the best, strongest, most beautiful human being you can be. Don’t let anyone bring you down. because you are the furthest thing from weak.
Get ready… cause you’re about to see a whole new side of me… and I hope to see whole new side of you… :)
All these words look so lovely wrapped up and connected in cursive on paper, but once you read the content of the language you may find that your perspective changes…once upon the midnight writing of the pages…in the loneliest hours of dark desolation…the artist writes with no hesitation..
New Beginnings with a Highlighter... A Note To Everyone
Thank you to everyone a part of this year, As we head into 2012 new beginnings will appear I want to thank everyone that played even a simple part In anyway awakening the arts, our hearts, our ambitions, our souls With any new changes we made space for a better place.
Whether it was you, myself, or someone you love or lost; Whether at the time, we didn’t realize why, when, or who to trust; Whether it was chosen, welcomed, or un-welcomed— change IS and will ALWAYS BE Inevitable.
All those circumstances can be minimal if in the end you learned something from it All of us learn from each other and deserve nothing but Joy and Abundance…
In our hearts and in our minds, we’ve got to come to a place of peace Overflow with love, laughter, and open our hearts to live for more than what we see.
We’re all a team. Whether or not we choose to believe this…
Everyone is put in someone else’s life for a reason… Even if it’s just seasonal- sometimes the lesson is letting go.
Have you noticed how much harder everything is when people are mean? Don’t we battle enough within ourselves? Aren’t we fighting hard enough to fix our own mess? Do we really need to take it out on anyone else?
We were meant to be soft & supportive; make it easier for all to proceed..
We’ve got to cheer for each other, acknowledge this is not a race to who is the best… It’s recognizing who has learned from the tests and the rest…
Who knows? Maybe one day you will be on the other side, then who’s laughing?
Kindness builds the foundation for a place where I for one, would like to be… I would like it even more if everyone chose to join me :)
Who threw the most punches, should only matter in the ring. Real life is a marathon not a race to prove anything.
Can we inspire each other to greatness while fulfilling our own individual destiny? Yes, in fact that’s what Ghandi started and left us here to finish…
I believe when we reach the gates of heaven who kicked who the most will just have damaged our one and only soul, and in the process make someone else feel less than they deserve. Is that something you want to be responsible for having any part of?
Regardless of what you believe, (I respect all religions- whatever gives you guidelines to be a better human being is your business and I respect that- COEXIST ppl!) I personally believe that God made us in his image to respect one another and treat others how we would want to be treated. He gave us these bodies of light to share it with those less fortunate, to affect another life, to help other people who need something you can offer, anything to help them gather the strength to face another day.
One of the highlights of this year was when Keaton Simons and I were singing with the children at the Ronald McDonald house of New York City.
All these children’s normal everyday conversation pertains to the treatments they are going in for the next day, how sick they feel after, where they feel the most pain… It really puts things in perspective, huh?
There was a sweet little 7yr old, (I won’t mention his name for his protection) who had cancer who had been promised only a few weeks to live and could hardly stand up. When we asked the kids if they had any requests He got out of his walker and asked us to sing “Eye of The Tiger” then stood up with no walker and was pumping his fists in the air. That was such a magical moment. He was taken out of his situation for a couple chorus lines and had the strength to stand up. Then right after he finished singing went right back into his walker with a light on his face.
Later, his father, with tears in his eyes thanked us and said he hadn’t even seen him so energized and happy since he started treatments. Mind you, this was several months after he had been diagnosed and told he only had a few weeks left.
I’ve never felt higher and like I did something right than after leaving that evening. I pray for those children and parents that they can find some kind of relief in music or positive endeavor to get their mind off the reality of their situations.
The gripping truth, is that there are a lot of children in this situation as there are with other diseases, and parents who didn’t choose this and would never have been able to make it without some kind of light…Some kind of hope, something that might promise a better tomorrow.
We all need something to hold onto and that’s why we have each other. We can join forces so we don’t feel so heavy and alone, like we are taking it all on ourselves. God didn’t create one of us… he created a lot of us… we’re not supposed to be working against each other. Magic unfolds beautifully when we work together with our gifts and our individual talents to help others heal.
I feel that way about Rebecca Joy Lear and her music. She was put in my life along with several others to save me. Her family, band, the people in Kansas who knew what an incredible old soul she was, everyone who had even a moment with her who she made smile.
We can only pray the project I’m working with Cornerstone and PCC Wichita to get her music re-released will be inspiring and help to heal the damaged, lost, hurt, and broken. It has helped me cope with her passing and I can only hope that when the time is right to get it out into the world it will be therapeutic and readily available to anyone searching for comfort, hope, and peace in the midst of tragedy or loss.
We are so blessed and still always seem to just want more… More of what? Do you even know what you are fighting for?
I am only asking you-as a friend, and as a person who has asked so many of the same questions; that as this new year begins, search your soul and ask yourself the hard questions, find yourself in who you are and not in comparison to anybody else. Life is not a competition.
Can you imagine where we would be if we all had the ability to just be quiet for a moment and listen that inner voice we too often run away from? (I’m not talking about the one’s that argue with themselves, I’m talking about the voice that feels good and right. It’s there for a reason, too.)
I am asking you to have the courage to sometimes be wrong. Keep the faith and be strong. Live with good intentions, and try to find the best qualities you can in others. Compliment each other, have integrity, and expect greatness from yourself. You can only control you, never anybody else.
I woke up this morning, and the first thing I wanted to do was write this to you all. This year had a lot of missteps and hiccups and I have done a massive overhaul of soul- searching that I plan to continue to work out but also ask that in this process you all be patient as I am trying my best to do as well.
Sometimes we have to get lost in order to find ourselves again.
I wanted to share this in hopes that it will help you find yourself as we are all on our own journeys and undoubtedly have our own vices, that can sometimes be discouraging, but it is in the Acknowledgment of the truth that we find our strength.
Most importantly I want us to protect ourselves but still live out our promises fearlessly to ourselves as well as the ones we make to everyone else. I know I’ve wavered, I can’t even tell you how many times… However in the midst of all that wavering… my heart never failed to grieve with a heavy emptiness inside, until I got back on my path. Ultimately we can only do our best and with our best feel satisfied, content, and worthy of what we get.
In the end, we all have to forgive ourselves (myself included) and everyone else because we’re not the ones to judge…that goes somewhere higher…
All we can do is love and try our best.
I hope in 2012, we can all feel lighter and be inspired to not only live purposefully but do all you can for the greater good.
You only have this one body, just this one life, In the end it’s what you did with it.
IT’S OK to try and fail, but to give up after one try… you’re only failing yourself.
You are the creator of your success. Make it happen. Believe you can achieve.
Lots of Love and warmest wishes for the most incredible new beginnings in 2012! :)
Truth is handsomer than affectation of love. Your goodness must have some kind of edge to it, else it is none.
An Open Heart is never certain, it is in open dialog with this world and thus can respond with sweetness when sweetness is due, or wrath or silence or dismissal or an endless embrace. Because it is genuine, it is sharp. You are on the razor’s edge, meaning right here right now playing for keeps, not appearances.
Follow your heart. Your heart knows what is best for you- and what’s wrong for you. First, you must know yourself in all your parts; look into your own darkness as well as into your own light. Love all that you are. Trust yourself. Then Follow your heart wherever it may lead.
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind… - Self Reliance
Engineer of the soul that creates delusional, imagined visions in order to play in an expressive creative way- this very serious game, in yet such a serious day.
Play and PLay, Though you are not fully there until you are completely surrounded by that warm, wonderful light - yet still longing for more, more lightheartedlty, keep going, go try to find ways get there…and know that somehow they will, as will you.
A magician of the arts masters the art of perception not deception; they chose empathy not ignorance, and cleverness over arrogance.
They long for the expression and expansion of love — Which is nowhere near the world of hate—
That piercing cold rain of hate is only used in art to amplify the need for love in a world that has less and less of it, when in reality we wish for quite the opposite…
"Too much" doesn’t exist when you are fighting for a world to live in a state of joy.
Conscious awareness of our surroundings and state of mind is crucial.
Standing up for your beliefs and overcoming your fear of contradiction as well as what others think is necessary in order to feel fulfilled.
Love is a dying breed that is bursting, screaming, daydreaming of being a universal etiquette. It is bullied and broken down far too often and sinks back into it’s cage defeated and suffocated by what it sees when it breathes the daylight air of our intoxicated world.
Love is hungry for us. We just have to be open and willing to accept it when it comes…
I feel like I’ve been around the world and back, it’s been so busy! Good busy, though!
I do hope you all are simply lovely and only wonderful things are happening. If not… STAY POSITIVE… wonderful things happen to people, so be light-hearted, and full of joy.
UPDATES ON NEW MUSIC!
I have been working hard on my end and feel great (Thanks to my trainer, Caleb, who kicks my butt in the mornings—I hate it but… I love it) writing and re-writing, working on my voice, guitar, my book that I’m writing, (I started to write a really cool blog for you all twice today and now one is going to be a song… the other will be a chapter in my book… that’s just how it goes sometimes… but all it means it you must be a little patient is all :) it will be worth the wait and I’m excited about all of it.
I’ve had some really amazing auditions lately and I’m looking forward to more good stuff coming- I also am loving my acting and singing coaches they’ve been so inspiring and helpful in leading me to be a better performer and really owning it. :)
I did want to tell you all that Mikal Blue just recorded a duet with Keaton Simons and I (at Revolver Studios) and a version of the song was placed on Private Practice and will air Thursday, NOVEMBER 3, 2011 at 10/9c on ABC. I can’t give you too much info yet because I’m not allowed to but I will once it airs so I guess you’ll just have to tune in and we’re hoping to have it up on I tunes right around then so keep your fingers crossed and ears open because I plan on filling you in on the details once I can! :)
I also have some other sweet little mysteries that I will keep you all posted about in the coming weeks :)
I’ve been gigging and playing with Blake Lewis, Michael Johns, Brandon Rogers, Tim Urban, and the ever-so- gorgeous Mikalah Gordon as of late, and it’s been a real treat.
Who knows… Maybe we’ll form an all star band ;) Maybe we should call it “testosterone-fest”… because it’s pretty much all dudes… and then Mikalah and I..
I’m kidding… we wouldn’t call it that… Maybe “Boys II Girl” or something, haha..
In all seriousness, we are promoting “Summer with the Stars” benefitting The Palace Foundation which I’ve really been enjoying and love what they do for their communities.
They help people who live in Quintana Roo, Yucatan, Jalisco, and Nayarit overcome health issues, develop social projects, and assist people both young and old to achieve their personal dreams as well as get them an education. (like the kids at the City Of Joy we went to this summer)
These kids were so amazing. When we came to sing with them and plant trees they were elated. I mean, words cannot begin to describe how loud they were screaming and how the excitement just filled the room. They were so bright and it was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in a very long time. I can’t wait to go back next summer and see them again. :)
btw- the link to donate if you feel so inclined is:
Also had a great gig in San Diego with Tim Urban yesterday and one of my co-writers Adam Tressler- and it was nice to get out of town for a minute and meet everyone! I’m getting some great responses on new originals and I can’t wait to record them!
In other news…
I went to Tennessee to see my family and get some new artistic pictures taken by Sir Jason Reeves… which I’m considering keeping for my first music release… I don’t know if you all know, but Jason is a really incredible photographer along with being the insanely talented musician, artist, and prolific writer… this guy is just brilliant and I’m honored and blessed to have him in my life.
Once I figure out which one to post I will give you all a little teaser, but in the meantime, here is a picture of when we met some cute fuzzy friends while shooting…
Anywhoo… this post is already incredibly long ….so long in fact, I now have a crick in my neck… so I will let it rest and post some more cool stuff soon!
But then again… sleep is so over-rated these days…
Well actually… sleep is never over-rated…just about non-existent recently.
I am not complaining, however… because no sleep means I’ve been a busy little bee.
I just wanted to write something really quickly
I am so incredibly thankful for everyone on my team…EVERYONE…From A-Z and we still have more to put up on the site..
Mae and I were so excited we were counting down like it was New Years on the phone as we unveiled the site. She is unreal… this chick was up at like 3am her time working her tail off on a regular basis.